STOP PEOPLE-PLEASING

Tips to Stop Being

a People-Pleaser

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

People-pleasers may unrealistically want everyone to like or love them. “They want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to” keep it that way, according to Susan Newman, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based social psychologist and author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It—And Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.

“They put everyone else before themselves,” she said. For some, saying “yes” is a habit; for others, “it’s almost an addiction that makes them feel like they need to be needed.” This makes them feel important and like they’re “contributing to someone else’s life.”

People-pleasers yearn for outside validation. Their “personal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on getting the approval of others,” said Linda Tillman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Atlanta, GA and assertiveness expert. Thus, at the core, people-pleasers lack confidence, she said.

They worry how others will view them when they say no. “People don’t want to be seen as lazy, uncaring, selfish or totally egocentric,” Newman said. They fear “they’ll be disliked and cut from the group,” whether it’s friends, family or co-workers.

What many people-pleasers don’t realize is that people-pleasing can have serious risks. Not only does it put a lot of pressure and stress on you, Newman said, but “essentially you can make yourself sick from doing too much.” If you’re overcommitted, you probably get less sleep and get more anxious and upset. You’re also “depleting your energy resources.” “In the worst-case scenario, you’ll wake up and find yourself depressed, because you’re on such overload because you possibly can’t do it all,” she said.

Here’s a slew of strategies to help you stop being a people-pleaser and finally say no.

1. Realize you have a choice.

People-pleasers often feel like they have to say yes when someone asks for their help. Remember that you always have a choice to say no, Newman said.

2. Set your priorities.

Knowing your priorities and values helps you put the brakes on people-pleasing. You know when you feel comfortable saying no or saying yes. Ask yourself, “What are the most important things to me?” Newman suggested.

3. Stall.

Whenever someone asks you for a favor, it’s perfectly OK to say that you’ll need to think about it. This gives you the opportunity to consider if you can commit to helping them. (Also important is to ask the person for details about the commitment.)

Newman suggested asking yourself: “How stressful is this going to be? Do I have the time to do this? What am I going to give up? How pressured am I going to feel? Am I going to be upset with this person who’s asking?”

Asking yourself these questions is key because, as Newman said, very often after you’ve said yes or helped out, you’re left wondering, “What was I thinking?” I neither have the time nor the expertise to help out.

If the person needs an answer right away, “your automatic answer can be no,” Newman said. That’s because “Once you say yes, you’re stuck.” By saying no automatically, “you leave yourself an option” to say yes later if you’ve realized that you’re available. And “you’ve also gotten it off your must-do or don’t-want to do list.”

4. Set a time limit.

If you do agree to help out, “limit your time frame,” Newman said. Let the person know that “I’m only available from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m.,” for example.

5. Consider if you’re being manipulated.

Sometimes, people are clearly taking advantage of you, so it’s important to watch out for manipulators and flatterers, Newman said. How do you spot them? She said, “Often the people who flatter you will say [statements like], ‘Oh you’re so good at baking cakes, would you make a cake for my child’s birthday?’ or ‘I don’t know how to put this bookcase together, but you’re so handy, can you help me out?’”

A classic line is “Nobody does this better than you do,” she said. Also, these people “will either coax you into doing something or try to tell you what your availability is or what your time frame is.” Basically, before you know it, they make the decision for you.

6. Create a mantra.

Figure out a mantra you can say to yourself to stop you from people-pleasing. It can even be a visual as simple as a big “No” flashing when a certain friend who “can always talk you into something” approaches you, Newman said.

7. Say no with conviction.

“The first no to anyone is always the hardest,” Newman said. But once you get over that first bump, “you will be well on your way to getting off the yes treadmill.” Also, remember that you’re saying no for good reasons. “You get time for yourself and for the people you really want to help,” she said.

8. Use an empathic assertion.

Some people initially think that being assertive means “stepping all over people,” Tillman said. Instead, she explained that “assertiveness is really about connection.”

Using an empathic assertion “means that you put yourself in the other person’s shoes as you assert yourself,” Tillman said. So you let the person know that you understand where they’re coming from, but unfortunately, you can’t help. “People need to feel heard and understood,” and this is a respectful way of asserting yourself and saying no.

9. Consider if it’s worth it.

When asserting yourself, Tillman suggested asking yourself, “Is it really worth it?” It’s probably not worth it to tell your boss about his annoying habit, but it is worth it to tell your friend that you can’t do lunch because you’re super busy.

10. Don’t give a litany of excuses.

It’s tempting to want to defend your decision to say no to someone, so they understand your reasoning. But this actually backfires. According to Newman, “As soon as you start explaining, you give the other person lots of wiggle room to come back and say, ‘Oh, you can do that later,’ ‘You can adjust your schedule’ or ‘That’s not as important as what I’m asking.”

>Website: https://psychcentral.com/lib/21-tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/

NOTE:

Learned behavior starts at a young age but can be un-learned with contentious effort.

SEE PICS AND DIAGRAMS POSTED BELOW:

“What others think and feel about me is important to say the least…

But what I feel about myself  determines my heart’s peace.”

PERSONAL RECOVERY

PERSONAL RECOVERY

There’s no promise the road to recovery will be easy, but it’s worthwhile and we’re worth it! 

 

Random thoughts…

Where did or does it all begin? Long ago, perhaps from previous lives or from birth, we veered off our path or never got on it properly. Survival became our primary focus and effort while our lives spiraled out of control. We need to break through the gestalts we were all born and raised with, for ourselves! Our lives can be adversely impacted with issues to the point they hinder our lives or keep us from maturing, until we work through them. Overcoming surmounting issues greatly improves our quality of life and our relationships.

Psychological trauma is a type of psychic-accident or damage to the mind that occurs as a result of severely distressing events. Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience. Each of us are impacted differently yet we develop common issues. If you suffer from or are affected by these issues, you are not alone! People can heal from trauma and soften the outcome. Not to discourage anyone, but despite best efforts to recover from PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it will likely become a permanent part of a person. It is of key importance for one to get an accurate as possible assessment of where they’re at and about what may be wrong in relationship to healing and recovery. Recovery is looked upon as a journey over a that of a destination. I encourage you to begin now but be sure write a dedication to your own recovery.

Intuition plays an important role in determining what road or direction to take on our path. I experience a kind of all-knowing of knowing what I need to know when I need to know it. Some people have been traumatized to the point they have displaced their bodies and experience a mechanical robotic physical existence. One should meditate for the sake of meditation but developing the daily discipline helps immensely. It raises our level of consciousness and naturally grounds us or grounds us again. Metaphysics, is interesting, useful and well worth the pursuit of study! Even basic knowledge of metaphysics will accommodate our lives.

Definition: Metaphysics > A traditional branch of philosophy concerned with explaining the fundamental nature of being and the world that encompasses it, although the term is not easily defined. A person who studies metaphysics is called a metaphysician.

Metaphysics considers and defines laws of all variety to infinity. It goes beyond the physical, and literally transcends and defies the law of gravity! It deals with ESP – the extra sensory perception mechanism in all life forms. These principles should be respected and understood as much as humanly possible, but not feared.

SOME REASONS for SELF HARM-INJURY

LEARNED BEHAVIOR 

Parent figures with self-harm-injury behavior patterns may inherently transmit behavior to infants, children or young people. Self-harm is a maladaptive and ineffectual way of dealing with stressors and emotion. Sometimes people use it to indirectly comfort self. Example: After the fracture, they feel comforted by the healing process.

The Parental Disapproval Syndrome is another major cause of fear and negative programming. The syndrome develops because of experiencing your parents’ disapproval and resentment of that disapproval. One needs to learn how to approve or disapprove of their self. (Ref Book:  Rebirthing in the New Age – Leonard Orr & Sondra Ray).

Self-pity can run very deep making it hard to isolate and may also be transmitted. One feels the agony of self and other defeat and sinks into pity. Self and other defeat work in tandem. (Ref Book: Self Realization and Self Defeat – Author - Samuel J Warner Ph.D.)

Of course, other traits and characteristics are also grist for the mill in the making of human beings. Much has been uncovered about dysfunctional system and families and the huge drawback and stumbling blocks it causes! (Ref: ACOA – Adult Children of Alcoholics & Other Addictions).

Erroneous thinking patterns seem deeply engraved in society. They warp our view of the world, create havoc with rational and inhibit the vital use or development of critical thinking skills. There are other thinking patterns and distortions that produce some real crazy making behavior as well. Frequently, developmental disabilities, or mental/emotional illnesses factor in the mix.

TEN DISTORTED THINKING PATTERNS(Cognitive Distortions):

1. All-Or-Nothing Thinking – You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
2. Overgeneralization – You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
3. Mental Filter – You pick out a single negative defeat and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that colors the entire beaker of water.
4. Disqualifying the positive – You dismiss positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.
5. Jumping to conclusions – You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
   A. Mind reading. You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don’t bother to check this out.
   B. The fortune teller error. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.
6. Magnification (Catastrophizing) or Minimization– You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow’s imperfections). This is also called the “binocular trick.”
7. Emotional Reasoning – You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.
8. Should Statements – You try to motivate yourself with should’s and shouldnt’s, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders and lock us into low self-esteem. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
9. Labeling and Mislabeling – This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: “He’s a nincompoop.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
10. Personalization – You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

HERE ARE THE TAKE-AWAYS:

• Know the patterns.  Familiarize yourself with the ten distorted thinking patterns.
• Recognize distorted thought patterns.  Once you know the patterns, you can start to recognize thought patterns that may not be serving you well.
• Challenge your own thinking.   See if the patterns resonate especially in situations where your thinking or feeling is not particularly effective.  For example, you might find that you have a habit of jumping to negative conclusions, without factual evidence, you might find that you let negative emotions get in the way of interpreting situations.

Use this list to challenge your thinking. In any scenario where your thinking starts to or seems particularly negative, it’s to do a sanity check against erroneous thinking patterns.


     


Dr. David D Burns - Feeling Good Book
 https://www.samuelthomasdavies.com/book-summaries/self-help/feeling- good/

MORE ABOUT SELF HARM URGE…

Discovery of exactly why one practices self harm isn’t as important as it is to STOP or do not START! I’ve noticed I have what I call pre-self-harm behavior, which serves as a setup or grooming self for a startup. If one sees a banana and steps on it and falls, is that a relapse OR a set up to fall/fail? People self harm over most anything or NOTHING at all. Once addicted or compulsive about it, any wrong behavior can trigger a full blown and possibly long lasting attack.

As previously mentioned, self harm, injury takes many forms. I’ve become aware that some people commit financial suicide which is relative. Still others have a pattern of high risk behavior. Other  generalized methods may be not grooming our bodies as we ought or not eating properly, etc. Self and other neglect of children, pets, and environment seems to activated, enhance or enable episodes of self harm or visa versa.

 

SUGGESTIONS:  Dig yourself out of being buried under blame, toxic shame and guilt about your problem with self harm. Maybe you know someone else that has it and it adversely affects you as well. Join hands and share some your life and story with us to support self and other healing. Metamorphosis is a beautiful process!

 

And more shall be revealed…

ANALYSIS CONTINUED - SELF HARM URGE

 

Self-Harm and Variation
Is NO New Phenomena!

 

 

There are innumerable ways and methods of self harm! Cases and occurrences have been documented since the 15 century. Nowadays, a common form, or flagellation is sometimes practiced in public. Many religions offer methods of atonement, sometimes involving fasting, self-flagellation, and temporary separation from the community. I see this as related to martyrdom. Masochism and sadism are both about the enjoyment of pain. Masochism refers to the enjoyment of experiencing pain while sadism refers to the enjoyment of inflicting pain on someone else.

 

 

One can easily become their own judge, jury, trial and executioner and carry out real or imagined due punishment. Guilt always demands punishment. Relationship or dreaded drama triangle of Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor is common. Triangles often represent a no win situation. These dramas are at play internally from the onset and can materialize outside of us. The ultimate goal is to learn how to be free from having to play all three of these roles, or roles you may assign that add up to similar circumstance. Incredible amounts can be written about this topic! You may be able to hear what I am not saying.

 

You likely have input of your own. Feel free to post comments in line of service and in keeping with the 12 Step recovery paradox…
 

“We give it away in order to keep it.”
 

And more shall be revealed…

SELF HARM URGE - BEGINNING ANALYSIS

Beginning Analysis of Urge to Self Harm

 

Hello, I’m Lollie, a self-harm addict.

From my perspective, the urge to self-harm is linked or co-exists with the death urge (as opposed to the life urge). Stopping or staying abstinent from the involuntary behavior of self-harming or injury is not simple or easy!

The baffeling crux of the problem is a multilayered manifestation. It presents above and beneath the surface or the conscious and subconscious mind. One sees the surface of a sea glacier that conceals a massive formation under water. The more conscious the urge is, the easier to overcome obstacles in the way of cessation from the undesirable behavior.

Understandably, the primary focus should be to stop the nuisance behavior(s) and then proceed with the why of it all. Taking or doing a thorough complete Step One including the unmanageable section. This is an imperatively good beginning leading to abstinence and will strengthen the urge to stop as well as enhance one’s life urge. 

Step One:  "We admitted we were powerless over physical self-harm—that our lives had become unmanageable."

~Adapted from AA

 

 

And more shall be revealed...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TRIGGERS APROPOS to SELF HARM

Hello, I’m Lollie, a self-harm addict.

I have a pattern between increased stress which triggers my urge to self-harm. Sometimes triggers operate silently or subconsciously. I do ok when I’m occupied or remain calm or serene. Once something upsets me I’m off and running into self-harm episode which leads to injury if behavior goes unchecked. I have a whole gamut of things that lead up to what I call a self-harm attack which often lasts for hours or until it resets upon waking the following day.

I seem a little numbed out as to the direct effect of practicing self-harm. I recall that even causing bleeding, the main pain sets in afterward along with depression and increased self-neglect. Sometimes I harm self by other than physical means too. Accident prone is another way to say I self-harm, although it mostly operates on a subconscious level.

These are merely observations on my part and need not trigger anyone. I think it is helpful to become self-aware.

And more shall be revealed…

ABSTINENCE IS THE ONLY WAY TO FLY!

 

Living in freedom from self harm sounds like an exhilarating dream!

 

Hello, my name is Lollie and I am a self harm/injury addict. Little did I realize in childhood, that starting physical self harm would become a lifelong habit. I endeavor to gain abstinence over this incredibly obstinate compulsion to self harm/injure. It takes many forms, but I think gaining abstinence over physical self harm is a good start. No matter the method, we have common ground. Reaching out to share your story with others has proven to be beneficial. Application of the 12 Step and 12 Tradition program also helps.

 

I would guess there's millions of people who have a similar problem but we seem scattered about, on and off line. Some are too ashamed to talk about it. Others, have just given up. Many comments I've seen or read online seem far out to me, but indicate the violent nature of this nightmarish disorder that can end in suicide.